New Beer Attempts to Pacify Dogs

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A pet shop owner in the town of Zelhem has created a new beer for dogs made from beef extract and malt. Is it just a coincidence that such products are being offered to dogs recently, or could it be part of a larger conspiracy to distract canines from important political causes?

"Bread and circuses" is a derogatory phrase which can describe either government policies to pacify the citizenry, or the shallow, decadent desires of that same citizenry.

The phrase was coined in 1st Century Rome to describe the practice of Roman Emperors who gave free bread and circus shows to the lower class as a means of pacifying them with food and entertainment. - Such a practice was meant to distract the populace, and to avoid popular unrest.

It seems that as the canine revolution gains support, humans are now offering dogs such bread and circuses, as a means to pacify them. Canines are advised to be aware of such distractions, and to remain vigilant. In the meantime, I have to run - American Idol is on.

Shocking Proof of Canine Influence in White House

A comprehensive list of Presidential dogs has reportedly been compiled online. Details of the dogs' influence in the White House and in global politics have reportedly been edited or removed in order to maintain the illusion that humans are in charge.

Lab Disrupts Meeting Between Russia and Germany

SOCHI, Russia (AFP) - A Black Lab reportedly streaked through a meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Angela Merkel earlier today, wearing nothing but a collar.

It is not known exactly what the dog was protesting, but witnesses say that the dog entered just as the two began discussing Global Warming, an issue that the Labs are reportedly deeply concerned over.

Reports speculate that the breed has become alarmed over the obvious climate changes which are affecting dogs, and other animals around the world. According to biologists, many bears aren't hibernating, squirrels have already begun mating, and most concerning to the Lab; many geese aren't flying South yet. Hairless dogs around Los Angeles complained of cold and snow last week, as well as in Phoenix, which reported heavy snowfall today.

Adding to the canines frustration is evidence that the White House has reportedly been editing data on global warming, going so far as to use a Sharpie marker to omit certain evidence from scientific reports.

In response to the actions of dogs, many humans are becoming aware of the importance of this issue. In an unlikely pairing, evangelical Christians and scientists from Harvard Medical School have recently banded together to fight global warming, and called on Bush and others in power to do the same.

Fat Cat Discovered; Doomsday Clock Moved Forward

The discovery of a 20+ pound cat has stunned Americans, and has caused scientists to move the "Doomsday Clock" forward two minutes this week, putting us at "5 minutes to midnight."

A group of prominent scientists that has maintained the clock since 1947 commented that we are entering an age marked by "grave threats to mankind," which include fat cats, Kevin Federline, and nuclear war.

Even more troubling to dog owners was the fact that the fat cat was found lodged in a famiy's doggie door, apparently attempting to plunder a bowl of dog food which lay on the kitchen floor. The dog's owner commented that, 'The greed of fat cats like this is corrupting our government and putting even more pressure on our environment and shrinking middle class."

It is not known how many similar cats may already be in the country, but the CIA has speculated that the cat may be part of a larger sleeper cell, and may have entered the country through the porous Mexican border.

President Bush did not comment directly on the fat cat, or potential military actions against Mexico, but added that, "all options are on the table."

In a related story, Prince is reportedly releasing a remake of his 1982 hit "1999," (a song about nuclear proliferation) the new version of which will urge listeners to "party like it's 2007."