Monday, January 15, 2007

Fat Cat Discovered; Doomsday Clock Moved Forward

The discovery of a 20+ pound cat has stunned Americans, and has caused scientists to move the "Doomsday Clock" forward two minutes this week, putting us at "5 minutes to midnight."

A group of prominent scientists that has maintained the clock since 1947 commented that we are entering an age marked by "grave threats to mankind," which include fat cats, Kevin Federline, and nuclear war.

Even more troubling to dog owners was the fact that the fat cat was found lodged in a famiy's doggie door, apparently attempting to plunder a bowl of dog food which lay on the kitchen floor. The dog's owner commented that, 'The greed of fat cats like this is corrupting our government and putting even more pressure on our environment and shrinking middle class."

It is not known how many similar cats may already be in the country, but the CIA has speculated that the cat may be part of a larger sleeper cell, and may have entered the country through the porous Mexican border.

President Bush did not comment directly on the fat cat, or potential military actions against Mexico, but added that, "all options are on the table."

In a related story, Prince is reportedly releasing a remake of his 1982 hit "1999," (a song about nuclear proliferation) the new version of which will urge listeners to "party like it's 2007."

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