Unemployed Scientists Prove Dog Likes Beer

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – A team of three out-of-work stem cell biologists announced Monday that, after four weeks of rigorous observation and field testing, the evidence conclusively shows that chief researcher Dr. Henry Rogers' dog Franklin likes beer.

Rogers and McCarthy measured the preferences of test subject Franklin.

"We're extremely pleased with the results of the experiment," Rogers said. "It exceeded our highest expectations, and we're confident that our findings will have far-reaching implications for the coming weekend."

According to the team's report, Rogers, along with colleagues Dr. Tom McCarthy and Dr. Simon Huang, formulated a hypothesis that Franklin, a purebred boxer, would drink beer poured into his water dish.

After scouring through couch cushions to secure funding for an initial test, the first round of experiments began in late February. Franklin was administered a sampling of six economy-priced beer brands in 12-ounce increments at the rate of one unit every 1.5 hours over several successive Saturdays. His tail-wagging, equilibrium, speed of consumption, and general playfulness were monitored throughout for variations from baseline norms.

While the scientists said the neutered 5-year-old subject showed no clear preference for any one brand, Franklin tended to lap up Presidente beer at the fastest rate, followed by Rolling Rock, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Milwaukee's Best, and lastly, Icehouse.
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Franklin proved receptive to a variety of liquid-intake methods.

"Due to our limited resources, we were only able to obtain cases of the most inexpensive test materials," Huang said.

The team recently managed to secure a New Jersey state research subsidy of $2.55 by returning the empties.

McCarthy provided his Shar-Pei, Wrinkles, to serve as a control. Wrinkles was only given water to drink, though the team had to scrap one set of data due to confounding variables introduced when the control subject consumed 7.35 ounces of beer when the scientists' backs were turned.

Despite this setback, Rogers said that the team's data revealed a consistent correlation between increased quantity of beer intake and erratic behavior, though the intensity seemed to decrease with each subsequent day of testing. read more form The Onion